Written bits and pieces

[Pomorek]

My writing urges can be quite annoying. As I've been saying in other places, I get detailed ideas for single scenes but have greatest trouble with stringing them together into any sort of coherent plot. Yet, I shall finally try to get them out of my head at least, and post for everyone to see. Here's an opening part of a (potential) story, grown out of the "200 words challenge" on the old FA forum. There should be more.

Part 1

 

[Wuff-Wuff]

Oh I love how you've written the old caring tigress, Miss Rosa! Not to mention the way you flesh out the surroundings with descriptive words.

The only thing I've noticed are some grammatical errors, for instance "single" is more an adjective than a noun. So you'd probably want to add "as a single hyena" or something like that to complete the sentence :3 but I'm no expert there myself.

Also I feel like concepts like the "Black Sun" ritual could be elaborated more on :3 you go into great detail in accordance to "Elsa with a swan", but then introduce concepts that feel "just there" without further explanation, kind of like the reader should already know what they are. I think their role in the world could be expanded on or, if they are something that will become clearer later on, maybe introduced in a more vague and mysterious manner to awoke intriguing thoughts such as: "Why is Twig drumming and why does Wanda pay no interest? Hmm, strange, maybe we'll find out more later about this, it could be a ritual..."

I feel like this is however due to the fact that you're only supposed to use 200 words.

Anyway :3 you've got some great things going on there Pomorek! The characters feel very distinct from eachother for example and the world they inhabit has clearly quite interesting laws one could expand on during worldbuilding! Keep it up!

 

[Pomorek]

Oh I love how you've written the old caring tigress, Miss Rosa! Not to mention the way you flesh out the surroundings with descriptive words.

The only thing I've noticed are some grammatical errors, for instance "single" is more an adjective than a noun. So you'd probably want to add "as a single hyena" or something like that to complete the sentence :3 but I'm no expert there myself.

Also I feel like concepts like the "Black Sun" ritual could be elaborated more on :3 you go into great detail in accordance to "Elsa with a swan", but then introduce concepts that feel "just there" without further explanation, kind of like the reader should already know what they are. I think their role in the world could be expanded on or, if they are something that will become clearer later on, maybe introduced in a more vague and mysterious manner to awoke intriguing thoughts such as: "Why is Twig drumming and why does Wanda pay no interest? Hmm, strange, maybe we'll find out more later about this, it could be a ritual..."

I feel like this is however due to the fact that you're only supposed to use 200 words.

Anyway :3 you've got some great things going on there Pomorek! The characters feel very distinct from eachother for example and the world they inhabit has clearly quite interesting laws one could expand on during worldbuilding! Keep it up!

A proper crit, that's a valuable contribution! Thanks!

Your remarks made it easier to verbalize certain issue I felt but couldn't name: uneven tempo. Feels like I can't keep a steady flow, I dwell on some parts but rush through others. Mostly because I don't know what to put there...

Language errors are bound to happen but that's what proofreading is for, right?

As to worldbuilding, I feel there can be a conflict of expectations. This is bit hard to explain. But I like stories where not much about the setting is being told right away. Relevant info is being given gradually as the plot progresses, irrelevant details may be mentioned but never elaborated upon. Such progression tickles my curiosity keeping me engaged and gives a feel of vastness of the world while avoiding boring infodumping. Of course, this takes some skill to pull off properly and I may just lack it.

Additionally, if there is such a thing as the Polish school of fantasy and sci-fi - and I think there is - one of the hallmarks is minimalist worldbuilding. This is in strong contrast to the English-speaking sphere, where detailed worldbuilding is almost given. Whereas the big names here (Lem, Sapkowski) and some less known ones are against it, sometimes quite directly. Story is meant to be action-driven, with just as much background as necessary to have things going. I'm pretty strongly affected by this mindset as I really like the results. And it ties naturally to the "don't tell too much too early" approach just mentioned.

But above all, please remember I'm not aiming for such a lofty goal as a whole novel. I'm just trying to scratch that itch and write down those things that come to me. Seriously, the next part (which will take a while to clean up, also trying to incorporate your remarks) just hit me one day during the job and I had greatest difficulty focusing on my tasks afterwards!

 

[Wuff-Wuff]

I do agree with you there :3 it's nice when certain things are left in the open a bit, or just hinted at. For some reason the Black Sun ritual just felt a bit jarring to me while reading~

Hmmmh actually this whole thing got me thinking; because we do have works like Harry Potter for instance, that introduce all kinds of mystical aspects through-out the story. I feel like the way to do it, without making it too jarring, is starting us off with a scene we can identify with (for instance the scene in your wiring in which we see Wanda helping Miss Tigress, something the reader can relate to). And then ease it in a little. I feel like a lot of fun things happen with everyday tasks being mystically solved too.

I think what maybe help is showing how these things benefit the characters in their daily lives: What does Twig/the community get from his ritual?

But yeah possibly, as you said, it's more of a cultural thing! I might be hardwired to wanting pay-off :3


One things for sure, I'm glad you're getting into it Pomorek! And I hope you find the pacing that suits you best!

 

[Pomorek]

Maybe you thought I forgot about this whole thing? Not at all! It's just unexpectedly much work to clean loose drafts and make sure I don't fall into the jerky tempo pattern again. So, here I present:

Part 2

Maybe a tiny synopsis would also be in order. I envision this as a rather light-hearted and SFW travel & adventure story, set in a "post-post-apocalyptic" setting, where the civilization is rebuilding but there's a lot of lush wilderness and much is unknown. For some dramatic effect/antagonism, I'd like to add an eldritch or maybe "techno-eldritch" spin as well.

 

[Pomorek]

There was something said to the effect that sad people tend to have funny ideas, idk, can't recall the quote... So here's another little scene. It's very much "out of sequence", happening much later than what was written so far. Anyway...

Part X

 

[Pomorek]

Another storytelling itch that got scratched. Fleas or what?

I'm gonna use letters for such out-of-sequence pieces.

Part V

 

[Pomorek]

Maybe you thought I forgot about it? In that case, a surprise. Part 3, which means it's in-sequence, right after after part 2 (duh).

Part 3

 

[Wuff-Wuff]

Gosh Pomorek, I've fallen behind! I'm sorry. I should catch up on your stories.

 

[OtheratheOtter]

I'm a writer as well! I'm currently working on adapting one of my novels into a manga comic.

 

[Pomorek]

Part U

 

[JakeTheDog]

I'll not read the other comments until I've written this so they wont affect what I say.
First of all: LOVE IT. This has a lot of potential, and I love the sense of there being a rich world with an intense history. The decaying Dyson swarm... I WANT to know what happened there! So I'm drawn in.
In the final edit, I'd suggest spreading out the backstory exposition for a while so as not to blow it all in one go. You've got plenty of time to introduce these in the things your characters say and do. But in this sample, it's fine.
The way you'd presented the dialogue at the start was a little confusing, with the dashes. Not to worry, technical stuff caneb easily fixed. It's handy to write down what rules you're following so that you can keep the manuscript consistent and not make a hard time for the editor. Ie: for speech - are you going to use single quotes or double quotes? Characters thinking, how will you show that? Italics usually. But all small stuff.

Keep it up, this is going to be brilliant!!!

 

[JakeTheDog]

Part 2: Loved this too. The flow is good in this and it reads easily. The part where the lights went out underlines something I was going to say before that point. You used smells and sounds well there but keep it up. They're in a inn, so show how it smells, sounds, feels. Really place the reader in the location and keep it going. You can have little things happen in the background where you need a pause. But fill those in AFTER you have written the key points so that you can be sure that the rythmn is good.

(random example, random characters, part way through ... something. Maybe a little TOO much interruption, but you see what I mean)
=====
"You mean," Jax leant in toward Phlox, the candle between them casting ominous shadows, "You mean it's part of some conspiracy?"
Phlox startled as the kitchen door burst open and a waitress sailed by hefting a sizzling platter.
"No, it's just that he's been acting strangely lately." His muzzle wrinkled as the spicy aroma circled around them. "It's like he deleted those files deliberately."
"I can't believe he'd do that, Phlox," She shook her head and prodded at her food idly.
"But what other explanation could there be?"
A cheer went up from the table in the corner as the oversized tray arrived. Stags, thought Phlox, always so rowdy.
=====

 

[Pomorek]

I'll not read the other comments until I've written this so they wont affect what I say.
First of all: LOVE IT. This has a lot of potential, and I love the sense of there being a rich world with an intense history. The decaying Dyson swarm... I WANT to know what happened there! So I'm drawn in.
In the final edit, I'd suggest spreading out the backstory exposition for a while so as not to blow it all in one go. You've got plenty of time to introduce these in the things your characters say and do. But in this sample, it's fine.
The way you'd presented the dialogue at the start was a little confusing, with the dashes. Not to worry, technical stuff caneb easily fixed. It's handy to write down what rules you're following so that you can keep the manuscript consistent and not make a hard time for the editor. Ie: for speech - are you going to use single quotes or double quotes? Characters thinking, how will you show that? Italics usually. But all small stuff.

Keep it up, this is going to be brilliant!!!

Thanks a ton! I'm so happy you like it! And all the tips! It's a great idea with OneNote (I'll need to find an equivalent for Linux) and keeping things in different columns so that they can be expanded at any time.

Regarding technicalities, that's just a cultural difference, In the Polish literature the characters' utterances are indicated with dashes and their thoughts with quotes. Since I'm writing in English, got to adjust. Quotes and italics respectively from now on.

I just hope I haven't set expectations too high! I need to repeat, this was completely "random walk" so far, creative urges that needed scratching and no overarching goal in mind. Rather "let's just do it and see where it leads". For instance, part 2 came to me practically whole during a boring day at work and then I had greatest trouble focusing on the task at hand...

 

[JakeTheDog]

Thanks a ton! I'm so happy you like it! And all the tips! It's a great idea with OneNote (I'll need to find an equivalent for Linux) and keeping things in different columns so that they can be expanded at any time.

Regarding technicalities, that's just a cultural difference, In the Polish literature the characters' utterances are indicated with dashes and their thoughts with quotes. Since I'm writing in English, got to adjust. Quotes and italics respectively from now on.

I just hope I haven't set expectations too high! I need to repeat, this was completely "random walk" so far, creative urges that needed scratching and no overarching goal in mind. Rather "let's just do it and see where it leads". For instance, part 2 came to me practically whole during a boring day at work and then I had greatest trouble focusing on the task at hand...

No worries.
I think you've got some good talent there. Writing little bits like that are good practice - keep it up maybe one day I'll be typesetting your bestseller!